Seven and one half years since the "doctors" destroyed the life of my entire nuclear family.
Seven years since I have been trying to climb up the gold mine shaft after it collapsed.
Seven years since I have stopped fainting, throwing up and wrecking (totaling)my car.
Six years since I broke my front tooth as I fell on my face, body straight out like I was prostrating to the gods of Karms.
Six years I have lived in this house.
And so it goes.
I will carry this weight my whole life.
How to work on not destroying other people's lives as they did mine.
How to understand that no one understood I was literally out of my mind.
Gone, gone, gone beyond.
And they all think I have come back.
My secret is I never will.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Friday, January 9, 2009
Carrying My Own Weight in the World
My trajectory has been a sad one only due to fear and desperation and dependency and terror.
I didn't understand the Beatles when they said the love you take is equal to the love you make.
I felt unloveable and was so frightened that someone, everyone would find out.
The water was always muddy. And yet my Buddhist names all refer to clarity and clear seeing.
Today I was on a roll. Or following my own beam. Actually about 3 out of 6 days recently have been
good--good energy, somewhat good use of time. Much cleaner house. Still many boxes to unpack.
If I freeze up I am completely obsessive. If I am able to follow the beam, I can relate to my life.
Even tho I constantly think abot dying and wonder what for.
What for: Julie, Anna, David, my parents: to be compassionate.
Why can't I call Caridad and volunteer to work with migrant families. I am scared I will get it wrong.
Be exposed. Then I think of my ability to be
belly up without feeling like a grounded whake.
I don't want to do any more harm-to myself and anyone else. Only a few years left/Lalitasya
I didn't understand the Beatles when they said the love you take is equal to the love you make.
I felt unloveable and was so frightened that someone, everyone would find out.
The water was always muddy. And yet my Buddhist names all refer to clarity and clear seeing.
Today I was on a roll. Or following my own beam. Actually about 3 out of 6 days recently have been
good--good energy, somewhat good use of time. Much cleaner house. Still many boxes to unpack.
If I freeze up I am completely obsessive. If I am able to follow the beam, I can relate to my life.
Even tho I constantly think abot dying and wonder what for.
What for: Julie, Anna, David, my parents: to be compassionate.
Why can't I call Caridad and volunteer to work with migrant families. I am scared I will get it wrong.
Be exposed. Then I think of my ability to be
belly up without feeling like a grounded whake.
I don't want to do any more harm-to myself and anyone else. Only a few years left/Lalitasya
Lonely Coconut Grove Cookies
The love of my life was laughing tonight on the phone-which was wonderful as she used to say how i could
made her laugh. I called as Wilbur, the gentle cookie pig, was lonely and explained to me that now that Anna
was almost four and learning to bake he would like to be with a little girl again.
You see, dear reader, Wilbur was a pig with no home and a little girl and her mother rescued him and took him
with them for the past 33 years. Lulu and juliet loved Wilbur. And he didn't want to hurt Lulu's feelings yet Wilbur had been feeling so lonely and empty for so long. And I think he wanted to be with a little girl and not an old biddy, as David would say.
Wilbur would never make me feel sad. He just wants to make Anna happy.
So, Wilbur and Lulu called Juliet. Juliet seemed to feel Lulu, her mother, was a bit loopy.
Juliet is a little darling thought and she wanted to let Wilbur move in with Their family.
This was not before J. laughed remembering that all she ever saw in Wilbur's big belly were
lumpy, funky, kind of cardboard tasting oatmeal cookies because in 1975 In Coconut Grove( which is the real place in the world as it was in the 1970's that Lulu remembers with so much awe and memory and sky and trees that made her feel the magic and still does.
Oh, that magic feeling. And no going back. Yet the culinary memories that Juliet shared made me feel so filled up and happy. no where else to go but to stay in the present and work on remembering there is magic everywhere
We must take Anna to the magic pool that her mother loved.
And then we will make cookies, oatmeal of course, and I will Sing Anna a Lullaby. Lulu's Lullaby.
made her laugh. I called as Wilbur, the gentle cookie pig, was lonely and explained to me that now that Anna
was almost four and learning to bake he would like to be with a little girl again.
You see, dear reader, Wilbur was a pig with no home and a little girl and her mother rescued him and took him
with them for the past 33 years. Lulu and juliet loved Wilbur. And he didn't want to hurt Lulu's feelings yet Wilbur had been feeling so lonely and empty for so long. And I think he wanted to be with a little girl and not an old biddy, as David would say.
Wilbur would never make me feel sad. He just wants to make Anna happy.
So, Wilbur and Lulu called Juliet. Juliet seemed to feel Lulu, her mother, was a bit loopy.
Juliet is a little darling thought and she wanted to let Wilbur move in with Their family.
This was not before J. laughed remembering that all she ever saw in Wilbur's big belly were
lumpy, funky, kind of cardboard tasting oatmeal cookies because in 1975 In Coconut Grove( which is the real place in the world as it was in the 1970's that Lulu remembers with so much awe and memory and sky and trees that made her feel the magic and still does.
Oh, that magic feeling. And no going back. Yet the culinary memories that Juliet shared made me feel so filled up and happy. no where else to go but to stay in the present and work on remembering there is magic everywhere
We must take Anna to the magic pool that her mother loved.
And then we will make cookies, oatmeal of course, and I will Sing Anna a Lullaby. Lulu's Lullaby.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
I Want You So Bad
It's all right that The Evil One is coming. I just wish she would have told me sooner.
It wouldn't have made any difference however. I can;t hurt them anymore. I can't even hurt Him.
That doesn't mean I will not act as if he does not exist. Not like an eclipse which hides the moon or sun.
Not like a Cloud which hides the sky. Just such mean old man. I used to call him JC and I was so wrong.
He is the anti-C. Didn't anybody see.
He said M was the anti=S. Not really true actually.
An illusion. Didn't,cloudn't anybody see? I have carried that weight a long time.
I will carry it forever. Is that Compassion? That I carry everything so no one else needs to?
It wouldn't have made any difference however. I can;t hurt them anymore. I can't even hurt Him.
That doesn't mean I will not act as if he does not exist. Not like an eclipse which hides the moon or sun.
Not like a Cloud which hides the sky. Just such mean old man. I used to call him JC and I was so wrong.
He is the anti-C. Didn't anybody see.
He said M was the anti=S. Not really true actually.
An illusion. Didn't,cloudn't anybody see? I have carried that weight a long time.
I will carry it forever. Is that Compassion? That I carry everything so no one else needs to?
Friday, January 2, 2009
Baby Don't You Cry
I had my las ichat with Anna Lily and her amazing family in France.
Tomorrow they go to Paris and then home to Portland.
When I get blue (that mood indigo). All I really nee to do is to think of Julie.
She is so blessed in her life as an adult. She paid big time as a child.
When I look at her eyes and her smile, so lit up, I need to catch my breath.
David is the dream I never thought would happen, could happen.
I owe him a great deal. All the stormy weather seems to strengthen him.
I want a love like theirs feel like I want to see autumn again. So rich=. It is not jealousy so much as wanting to know how it feels
I am always sad.
It will be the end of me if I don't get out of my stormy weather.
Tomorrow they go to Paris and then home to Portland.
When I get blue (that mood indigo). All I really nee to do is to think of Julie.
She is so blessed in her life as an adult. She paid big time as a child.
When I look at her eyes and her smile, so lit up, I need to catch my breath.
David is the dream I never thought would happen, could happen.
I owe him a great deal. All the stormy weather seems to strengthen him.
I want a love like theirs feel like I want to see autumn again. So rich=. It is not jealousy so much as wanting to know how it feels
I am always sad.
It will be the end of me if I don't get out of my stormy weather.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Emptiness and Clarity
The first day. Of What? Yesterday my energy/apirit was so good/ Humming all day. Today is back to the same no-thingness.
No emptiness. Full of nothing. No clarity. Like mud or quicksand.
The goal: to try to be productive. The path: one thing at a time. I am like a pinball machine. Lots of spinning. Circles. Not waves. That may be part of the answer. Waves. Not circles.Tashi Delek. Lalitasya
No emptiness. Full of nothing. No clarity. Like mud or quicksand.
The goal: to try to be productive. The path: one thing at a time. I am like a pinball machine. Lots of spinning. Circles. Not waves. That may be part of the answer. Waves. Not circles.Tashi Delek. Lalitasya
Thursday, April 24, 2008
I keep getting Booted Out
I just tried to talk about the quiet, or lack of it, and the pain, or presence of it. Somehow, in some mysterious way, I WAS REJECTED by my beloved leopard hard drive. An interesting turn of the wheel. Now it seems all right with my thoughts'
My love, Tiger Baby, is upset as there is so much noise outside. This also makes me feel surrounded and out of control of my environment as the grass trimmers and blowers not only make noise but there is the scent of the gas. As opposed to The Scent of a Woman which is a movie i love and Zakly hates. DeNiro is magnetizing for me. Paul Newman is also amazing now. more amazing as he is older than the great early films. Itis now Friday and I just polished my nails with Nicole Miller polish, thanks to my Mama and her lovely and expensive taste.
My love, Tiger Baby, is upset as there is so much noise outside. This also makes me feel surrounded and out of control of my environment as the grass trimmers and blowers not only make noise but there is the scent of the gas. As opposed to The Scent of a Woman which is a movie i love and Zakly hates. DeNiro is magnetizing for me. Paul Newman is also amazing now. more amazing as he is older than the great early films. Itis now Friday and I just polished my nails with Nicole Miller polish, thanks to my Mama and her lovely and expensive taste.
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